Saturday, February 23, 2013

I Asked, You Answered, I Was Wrong

I did a post a few days ago about anger and the dreaded silent treatment. I explained the reasons that I didn't understand it.  That I thought it was a waste of time and energy. That it's better to talk it out, work through it, and move on. At the end of that post I asked if I was wrong, if there is value to it that I wasn't seeing. As it turns out I was wrong, there can be value to it.

I'm told, and understand now, that sometimes silence is a person's way of not hurting the person they care about. Some of us become overwhelmed with emotion.  Actually I think we all do at some point. We all just have different triggers. We all become overwhelmed with love, lust, anger and sorrow.  I said in my post that I become overwhelmed when there is any trouble in a relationship. Sometimes to the point of not being able to concentrate. And I want to get past the discomfort. I want to be done with it. 

I've thought about that discomfort a great deal this week.  I've thought about why I'm so anxious to get past it. And what it teaches me about anger and relationships.  No one enjoys being angry. No one enjoys discord in a relationship. But it happens. If we expect perfection in either others or ourselves we are setting ourselves up to be disappointed and hurt. Knowing that in our mind and truly knowing that within ourselves are two completely different things.

Part of my drive to talk about it right now and get through it, get it behind us comes from insecurity. Insecurity that maybe your anger means you don't care any more. It's a learned insecurity. An intrinsic part of that insecurity is also anger turned inwards. Anger with myself for not being perfect for the other person. After all, that's what I'm supposed to do, right? I'm supposed to never screw up because when I do people lose control and things fall apart.

So my urge is to talk through it and get it behind us right now so that I don't have to spend time dealing with my insecurities - that's what it boils down to. And your urge may be to not talk until you cool off because you don't want to say something you don't mean that could cause long-term problems between us.

Our "humanness" is fascinating. The whole heart vs head struggle. The struggle to balance the two. The most logical person can become completely irrational when something triggers an overwhelming emotional response. We all have our weaknesses and insecurities. I have to respect that in you and trust that you will do the same for me.   

So, my friends, you have taught me something this week. I thank you. Another chapter in this journey we share. Another example of how words shape our experience, the direction of our life, and who we are.

1 comment:

  1. Very insightful...sometimes the silent treatment is the only way. It gives time to cool down...