I did a post a few days ago about anger and the dreaded silent treatment. I explained the reasons that I didn't understand it. That I thought it was a waste of time and energy. That it's better to talk it out, work through it, and move on. At the end of that post I asked if I was wrong, if there is value to it that I wasn't seeing. As it turns out I was wrong, there can be value to it.
I'm told, and understand now, that sometimes silence is a person's way of not hurting the person they care about. Some of us become overwhelmed with emotion. Actually I think we all do at some point. We all just have different triggers. We all become overwhelmed with love, lust, anger and sorrow. I said in my post that I become overwhelmed when there is any trouble in a relationship. Sometimes to the point of not being able to concentrate. And I want to get past the discomfort. I want to be done with it.
I've thought about that discomfort a great deal this week. I've thought about why I'm so anxious to get past it. And what it teaches me about anger and relationships. No one enjoys being angry. No one enjoys discord in a relationship. But it happens. If we expect perfection in either others or ourselves we are setting ourselves up to be disappointed and hurt. Knowing that in our mind and truly knowing that within ourselves are two completely different things.
Part of my drive to talk about it right now and get through it, get it behind us comes from insecurity. Insecurity that maybe your anger means you don't care any more. It's a learned insecurity. An intrinsic part of that insecurity is also anger turned inwards. Anger with myself for not being perfect for the other person. After all, that's what I'm supposed to do, right? I'm supposed to never screw up because when I do people lose control and things fall apart.
What do you do when you're angry? Do you scream and say things you regret later? Do you scream and say things you do mean and have been holding in for a long time? Maybe you retreat, withdraw. Maybe you stew and give the person the silent treatment. We all deal with it differently don't we?
I used to personalize someone else's anger even if their anger was completely baseless. You know, the kind of person who blames everything on you because nothing that goes wrong in their life could possibly be their fault? Yeah, I was stupid enough to buy into that for a while. Fun times!
Over a great part of my life I learned that anger is bad, we aren't supposed to get angry. And if I caused someone else anger the right response was acceptance of the blame and walking on eggshells in order to avoid raising their anger again. I stuffed my anger.
Anger turned inwards becomes depression and that's exactly where all this got me. Then I learned to recognize and accept my own anger. It's been a liberating experience.
Like everyone, sometimes my anger is justified and sometimes it is not. Sometimes my first reaction is anger but, upon reflection, I discover that my anger is really a defensive reaction or my response to some insecurity that someone has touched or simply my irritability over little things because I'm stressed or sleep-deprived.
I don't like the way anger feels. It's uncomfortable. I feel shaky inside, if that makes sense. My heart pounds, my chest tightens. I hate it. And I can't focus when I'm angry or when there is any issue in an important relationship.
