Writing Prompt - Dear Father

I should begin by saying that this is in no way based on my relationship with my own father. He was, and is, a wonderful, loving father. This is not about him. And now the writing. 

 
When I was six years old I had the nerve to go outside to play with my friends, leaving a messy room behind. You screamed in front of my friends “get in here you spoiled brat”, then made me stand in the corner of my room as you threw every toy I had left out at me. I’m sorry dear father.

At ten my failure to wash the dishes and vacuum the den earned me a race around the house with you yelling at me that I was useless and a poor excuse for a daughter. You sprayed your beer-infused spit in my face as you screamed at me, tears running down my face. I’m sorry. It won’t happen again

dear father.

At twelve, you couldn’t find your precious coin collection and were convinced that I stole it. You yelled at me that you were going out to get shit-faced and that if you died that night it would be my fault. I ran out after you to stop you. If I had not moved in time you would have backed right over me in your haste to get to the bar. Please don’t die tonight dear father.

Now, at 16, you were drunk by noon, again. Going on and on to me about how ugly I was, that no one would ever want me. And why don’t I put some clothes on because I look like a tramp. I’m sorry my shorts and t-shirt offend you, you SOB. It’s 85 fucking degrees outside. I turned to go to my room and you stumbled your way down the hall behind me. I was leaning over next to my bed when you walked in. You slapped my ass you pervert. I’ll never forget the look on your face when you felt the end of the barrel of the gun in your chest. Go to hell dear father.

I Asked, You Answered, I Was Wrong

I did a post a few days ago about anger and the dreaded silent treatment. I explained the reasons that I didn't understand it.  That I thought it was a waste of time and energy. That it's better to talk it out, work through it, and move on. At the end of that post I asked if I was wrong, if there is value to it that I wasn't seeing. As it turns out I was wrong, there can be value to it.

I'm told, and understand now, that sometimes silence is a person's way of not hurting the person they care about. Some of us become overwhelmed with emotion.  Actually I think we all do at some point. We all just have different triggers. We all become overwhelmed with love, lust, anger and sorrow.  I said in my post that I become overwhelmed when there is any trouble in a relationship. Sometimes to the point of not being able to concentrate. And I want to get past the discomfort. I want to be done with it. 

I've thought about that discomfort a great deal this week.  I've thought about why I'm so anxious to get past it. And what it teaches me about anger and relationships.  No one enjoys being angry. No one enjoys discord in a relationship. But it happens. If we expect perfection in either others or ourselves we are setting ourselves up to be disappointed and hurt. Knowing that in our mind and truly knowing that within ourselves are two completely different things.

Part of my drive to talk about it right now and get through it, get it behind us comes from insecurity. Insecurity that maybe your anger means you don't care any more. It's a learned insecurity. An intrinsic part of that insecurity is also anger turned inwards. Anger with myself for not being perfect for the other person. After all, that's what I'm supposed to do, right? I'm supposed to never screw up because when I do people lose control and things fall apart.

Anger - How do You Deal?

What do you do when you're angry? Do you scream and say things you regret later? Do you scream and say things you do mean and have been holding in for a long time? Maybe you retreat, withdraw. Maybe you stew and give the person the silent treatment. We all deal with it differently don't we?

I used to personalize someone else's anger even if their anger was completely baseless.  You know, the kind of person who blames everything on you because nothing that goes wrong in their life could possibly be their fault? Yeah, I was stupid enough to buy into that for a while. Fun times!

Over a great part of my life I learned that anger is bad, we aren't supposed to get angry. And if I caused someone else anger the right response was acceptance of the blame and walking on eggshells in order to avoid raising their anger again. I stuffed my anger. 

Anger turned inwards becomes depression and that's exactly where all this got me. Then I learned to recognize and accept my own anger. It's been a liberating experience. 

Like everyone, sometimes my anger is justified and sometimes it is not. Sometimes my first reaction is anger but, upon reflection, I discover that my anger is really a defensive reaction or my response to some insecurity that someone has touched or simply my irritability over little things because I'm stressed or sleep-deprived.

I don't like the way anger feels. It's uncomfortable. I feel shaky inside, if that makes sense. My heart pounds, my chest tightens. I hate it. And I can't focus when I'm angry or when there is any issue in an important relationship.

A Poison Tree

A Poison Tree by William Blake

I was angry with my friend;
I told my wrath, my wrath did end.
I was angry with my foe:
I told it not, my wrath did grow.

And I watered it in fears,
Night & morning with my tears:
And I sunned it with smiles,
And with soft deceitful wiles.

And it grew both day and night,
Till it bore an apple bright.
And my foe beheld it shine,
And he knew that it was mine.

And into my garden stole.
When the night had veiled the pole;
In the morning glad I see,
My foe outstretched beneath the tree.



My first impression of this poem was that Blake was saying that unexpressed anger is deadly, sometimes literally and sometimes figuratively.  As I read about Blake, however, I learned that his message is larger than I first believed.

William Blake was raised by parents who were non-conformist on religious matters.  They read and believed the teachings of the Bible but they did not ascribe to the teachings of the Anglican Church of the day.  The Bible and religious/spiritual themes permeate both Blake's poetry and his visual art.  He believed that he saw angels and spoke to spirits.  He felt that he was used by such beings to communicate their messages.

Blake believed that human emotions should be allowed the freedom to be expressed and that the human spirit grows when this happens.  He called this existence a state of "innocence".  

"A Poison Tree" is one of 26 poems in a collection called Songs of Experience.  This collection of poems is an attack on the Anglican Church's teachings that humanity's "sinful emotions", including anger, should be stifled.  In fact, the first title for the poem was "Christian Forbearance", which he changed.  Blake saw this effort to make human emotion conform to doctrine or rules as very detrimental to the human spirit.  He called this existence a state of "experience".  

Some see the apple in the poem as being suggestive of the apple in the biblical story of Adam and Eve.  Biting the forbidden fruit brings spiritual death to Adam and Eve.  "A Poison Tree" suggests that unexpressed anger grows and bears fruit that kills human spirit.  

In the video below Martin Christopher does a beautiful reading of William Blake's "A Poison Tree".  Enjoy.

Such is the mindset of Brandy at the beginning of our story.  Such is the mindset of many victims of mental and emotional abuse.  They don't want anyone to see their pain because pain and tears indicate weakness and because no one would believe them anyway.  No one would believe them because mental and emotional abuse don't leave visible scars.  The victim has no proof.  They don't even know it's abuse because at some point they began believing the things their abuser says about them.  They think they really are worthless and weak.  They believe they are a poor excuse for a wife or husband, mother or father.  They think they deserve to be treated the way they are treated.

Brandy was married to a mentally and emotionally abusive man.  She denied her anger, even to herself, during her marriage.  Years later, she is just beginning to acknowledge it and our story is about her facing her anger and refusing to let it continue controlling her. 

She begins to heal and move on with her life after falling in love with Scott.  He is not her savior though.  He is her lover and a true friend.  He shows her the beauty he sees inside her.  When she feels powerless and is tempted to quit trying he makes her dig down deep and find the strength she has buried.  Scott doesn't save Brandy.  He helps her save herself.